When a child lies to you

There are children who are inclined to lie, and there are children who are not inclined to lie. It seems that in many ways they are born: one child to lie easily and naturally, he's lying, and it is strange that you have to restrict some truth in the selection of words that are in his favor. And another child to lie is just as painful as breaking himself, he has an innate sense of truth, it is difficult for him to lie and he believes others, because he does not understand how you can tell a lie. On the other hand, the role of adults is very great: next to some parents, even children with the character of honest angels begin to lie, and next to others, lying stops, because it is impossible, stupid, and inappropriate to lie next to them.

Total: if your child never lies to you, it may not be your fault, but you are just lucky. Similarly, if the child is lying to you, do not put an end to either the child or yourself as a parent: this does not mean anything and no one will determine the reasons for this. All you can and should do is look for solutions. In any case, for most normal parents, all the troubles with children's lies stop with their children growing up, so do two things at the same time: calmly wait for a bright future and think energetically, think, look for better solutions.

First, General recommendations. First: don't make provocations. If you catch children on lies tirelessly, you can catch almost anyone, and if you catch and finish off: "You're lying!"," You're lying to me again! " - most likely, your children will give in to you and agree with you that they are pathological liars. Don't do this. Suggestions "You always lie!" or "Why are you growing up such a liar!" - the worst thing you can tell those you are raising.

What's the right way?

It is correct to start with the most banal - with a personal example. If you do not like to lie and it is natural to tell the truth in your environment, this is a good background. If the husband deceives his wife by Dating another woman, and the son sees it, if the wife lies to her husband that she has no money and has nothing to wear, and the daughter knows if you threw out a hamster, but say that "he ran away" ... - in such an atmosphere it is difficult to tell children that lying is not good. Children are our mirror. Start living as decently as possible, at least in order to have less trouble from your own children, who will mirror you.

The next-less obvious and psychologically subtle solution, namely "positive translator". If a brother and sister are sitting together at computer games against the background of a strict ban, accusing them of violating the ban will only cause a sluggish lie that "we did not approach at all, and now only checked the mail." Perhaps your personal confidential conversation with your son will lead to better results: "Volodya, come here, let me hug you, I missed you and Nastya during the day. Listen, is Nastya all right? Oh well... I saw you sitting at the computer with her, and I don't think you did it by accident. I know she's in a difficult situation at school right now, she's going through a lot, and being with you is very important to her right now. When you're with her, I'm happy for her. You just make sure that she doesn't get attached to games without you, she doesn't need it at all. Will you watch her? Well, thank you. Ask her to warm up her dinner!"

And it doesn't matter if everything you told him about Nastya is true: he doesn't need to lie anymore, and you've given him a very nice responsibility for his sister. Well and good. Great wisdom in life is to give the child in advance such explanations of his behavior in difficult situations, where he is not a liar, but a caring and responsible person. Sometimes children need to be saved, and sometimes you can come up with a better explanation for a child's controversial behavior.

Remove the reasons for children's lies. If your daughter looks at the answer on the calculator and tricks that she counted the examples herself, do not rush to deal with her lies, first try to teach her how to count well. If there are games on your computer and children have access to them, then children will play games if you ask them not to: so that children don't lie to you, clear your computers of games and set strong passwords so that children have access only with your permission. Don't ban things that you can't control anyway: parenting, like politics, is always the art of the possible. If you can't effectively prohibit it, then it's better to allow it in a kind way. On the other hand, when it is possible to put a reliable barrier to the violation, put the most reliable barrier and an iron ban, and not just admonitions and soft requests. Dad doesn't have to be as gentle and understanding as mom, especially since a kind word and a gun, as one wise person claimed, are more convincing than just a kind word.

Thirty years ago, in The book "how to treat yourself and people", I formulated: "They lie to those who are dangerous to tell the truth." This is a useful consideration, but don't expect that if children are never scolded for anything, they will immediately and forever become honest. No, children can lie for very different reasons and just because everyone around them does it, and if you support this with your approval, then in an environment of complete unconditional love, you will sometimes grow up to be liars. Don't expect very easy solutions. If you do not just raise children, but also raise them, then it will sometimes be unsafe for children to talk to you. You will evaluate their stories, you will not accept everything you hear without appreciation, because your task is not just to contact children, but also to raise them. In this regard, it will always be difficult for you and your children, and this is normal. In such a situation, it is wrong for you to reduce your demands, your General decision is different: to create an atmosphere where children can't lie to you, when they can live honestly, beautifully and with dignity, you have fun and actively support this in children, your family environment is light, bright and kind (Yes? do you have exactly this?), and on the other hand, you have a sharp and terrible reaction to their untruth. Lying to you is unacceptable in the same way as hitting a brother or sister on the head with an iron spatula. Yes? You've never allowed this to happen, have you?

And again-calmer. Your sharp and terrible reaction should never be impulsive and thoughtless. It is perfectly normal to take your time in a situation where a child may or may not lie. If you decide that a conversation should take place here, do not catch the child lying, it is better to ask the question thoughtfully and carefully: "I want to ask you this... Don't rush to answer me, because the situation is not simple and it's better to think about it. The fact is that if you are guilty, it is not good and you will get for it. But it's normal, it happens, I still love you. Maybe it's not your fault at all, then I'll just hug you and ask you to forgive me for thinking badly of you. But if you suddenly lie, that is, think about it and decide to tell me a lie after all, this is the worst thing that can happen. You know how I react to this, it will just be the end of the world and a disaster. I definitely don't want you to. Think carefully about what you're going to say: whether it's your fault or not. You have five minutes; in five minutes come and tell me the truth."

Take into account: no matter how convincing you are, it is still difficult for a child to understand such complex things. Fear often knocks out thinking, and if the child is afraid of you, he may simply not hear you, no matter what you say to him. What should I do? Sometimes a special game helps, where the child will make a decision with you, answering interesting and difficult questions. The game is called " spy " and is played like this. It will take a few clean sheets of paper, a good mood for everyone, and at least half an hour of free time.

First, let the child draw a spy (or a Scout) who has to get secret information in difficult conditions, and not to be revealed. Great!

Now the child (perhaps with your help) should make a list of "who do you depend on?". "Dependent" - that is, whose words and decisions can seriously affect you, create difficulties for you, deprive you of something or oblige you. "Do you depend on your teacher? From your parents? And from your friends?" This list should list the most important figures for a child between 7 and 12 people, including not only parents and teachers, but also their friends. It is better to make a list by ranking, so that at the top there are the most important people on whom the child depends most. And don't be afraid to discuss an important thesis with your child: "In order to protect yourself from these people, sometimes it is profitable to deceive them." Yes, this is reality. No one promised the scout an easy life.

It is interesting to make an additional list: "Who depends on you, and you don't depend on them?" That is, who is easy for you to influence and who you are not afraid of, who will not do anything to you? If this list, most likely the list of your friends, will be at least a few people, you can make a suggestion: these friends are not deceived. Why? Because they are not afraid to tell the truth, but to live the truth is more correct and easier.

You are called to walk - you don't have to make up what you can't do right now. I just don't want to right now!

And now we need to go back to the first list-ranking and answer a very important question for a real Spy: "Who will be more careful and faster to guess about the deception?" Is it easy to deceive your grandmother? And my mother? And the teacher? Math or chemistry? And who of your friends is trusting, and who will instantly see through you?

The following list is similar, but about something else: "And from whom will be the maximum trouble from deception?" Grandmother just scolds and quickly forgives, but with the headmistress and dad jokes are bad... This also needs to be taken into account, and if you combine the last two lists, you will get very important information: "Who is really dangerous to deceive." It is really dangerous to deceive someone who will easily reveal you and give you serious trouble.

But the most important thing for you is probably the last list. That is, after reading again all the people your child has already recorded, you will ask them: "Which of these people loves you and really wants you well?". In fact, this is a rich and very difficult question... Dad swears and grandma gives you candy: does this mean that only grandma loves you and your dad doesn't? This list and this ranking, perhaps, the child will not write immediately and will return to it more than once, thinking about it in different years with different results. However, the main thing that your child should hear is the rule "do not deceive your own". The full text of the rule is: "Those who love you and wish you well should not be deceived. Because they love you, they are their own people, and they do not deceive their own. And also because if you deceive them, you are acting to your own detriment. Yes, you're saving yourself now, but you're making trouble for yourself tomorrow. If you think about your tomorrow, then your own people are not deceived." This seems to be a very important rule indeed.

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If this does not help, turn on the red Button mode (atomic war is triggered by the red Button). Namely, here you need to go through the following steps.

First, you once again receive a promise from the child never to deceive you. Well, this is the simplest thing, a child with honest eyes will once again sincerely promise you.

Second: you set a condition that there should be sanctions for deception. It seems like everything is reasonable, the child will agree. Especially since you are quick to offer -

The third. Sanctions will only be imposed if you have warned them :" I am asking you seriously, it is important for me that you do not make a mistake and say everything absolutely honestly and that I have no doubts. I'm warning you not to lie by accident." And if you did not warn and the child lied, there will be no sanctions. All children agree to this.

Fourth. Now you ask the child to discuss the sanctions for his deception. Most likely, the child will not come up with anything useful, but-let him at least think about it... Let him sit next to you in silence for 15 minutes and think...

Fifth: if the child does not come up with anything useful, you come up with: "If I even think that you have deceived me-after a warning, I deprive myself of the nearest food-Breakfast, lunch or dinner. If you want, you can join me in this hunger strike, but this is only at will. All you have to do is sit at the table for 15 minutes instead of eating, look at each other, and don't eat anything. If you cheat me next time, I'm starving not just one meal, but two meals in a row. And so on incrementally."

If the child has any good feelings about you, they will understand that this is really a Red Button.