Author: E. V. Goncharova, psychologist, coach
Video blog on YouTube

Would my initiative be another humiliation?

"We were dating for six months. At first, he phoned me a lot, but as I got more involved, I started calling more myself, and that probably ruined everything. It works very hard or creates visibility. In General, I tried my best to hold him and not let go, forgiving everything – everything is as it usually happens. When I woke up in the morning after the last night we spent together, I saw scratches on his back that were clearly not left by me, showed him in the mirror, dressed in silence and left. He tried to stop me, but I left and didn't even tell him anything. Yes, and what to say. A week has passed and I haven't heard from him, and I miss him. Forgiven. I thought I'd send him a couple of TEXTS, like, hugs and all… But wouldn't this be a huge folly... another humiliation? I don't know."


To understand how a girl should take the initiative in a relationship (so as not to engage in self-eating later) , you must first answer yourself a couple of questions:

1. Purpose of the initiative?
2. How do I feel when I think about taking the initiative?

We analyze the example from the letter:

1. What is the purpose of taking the initiative in the case described in the letter?

In this case, the purpose of the initiative is to make it clear to the man: "Well, Yes, it was my usual show-off again-I wanted to show character, but the character, due to a boring, idle life, did not show up, so I'm backing down."

What is the correct move for the lady within this goal?

It may be: "I'm Sorry, my dear, that when I left, I didn't realize how much I would suffer when you stop calling me! Yes, I wanted you not to cheat on me, but if it doesn't work out – well, I will be hysterical from time to time, but I will make any concessions, if only you were there."

Which of the girls would send such an honest message? In the form of such a letter – no one! And in vain, this is much stronger than the stupid "caressing-whining" typical message "your Bunny misses you" or some other call from "your little girl", sewn with white threads of self-deprecation.

"Baby is so bored", so baby can't stop himself from writing, of course, first of all in order to calm down and not push the cute from the grief of parting with her to irreparable actions.

"Baby" is so bored, so baby can't stop himself from writing, of course, first of all in order to calm down and not push the cute from the grief of parting with her to irreparable actions.

2. What are, after all, parallel to boredom, the feelings experienced by the girl who is going to take the initiative in this example?

"Wouldn't this be a huge stupidity... another humiliation"???

It will! And she feels it! But the dissatisfaction with an empty life is steeper than from a relationship with a man who doesn't give a damn about it.

Therefore, before dear ladies do another stupid thing and take the initiative, it is right to ask yourself one more simple question:

3. Are you satisfied with me the relationships that we had?

No, they didn't! If the relationship did not suit you and you left, then the man must take the initiative to return you to the relationship-he must show! Yes, and to persuade you to forgive him and take him back.

And you only in this case – when it is a man who addresses you, and not you to him-will be able to tell in detail on what conditions you are ready to return to a relationship with him. This is the only way to move the relationship to another level where your interests are respected and respected.

Otherwise, after a girl's show-off (slamming the door, running away, etc.), and then after the subsequent "initiative" from the lady, the relationship will fall to an even lower level. In even bigger questions, a man will not put her in a penny. Even if the lady comes back with pouting lips and gives an educational lecture for two hours. All this is already empty: the Foundation for disrespect is already laid.

However, most girls do not care how they are treated: there would be a cute next to them. They can endure a bad attitude, but separation is neither-nor! She loves him so much!

"You can't imagine how my soul aches without it…»

Yes, I have an idea that not every girl has a character, that not every girl controls her body, but quite the opposite-it is the body, throwing her breaks, controls her. Therefore, such girls, only slightly attached, very quickly abandon their life rules, from claims to equivalence for each other, to mutual respect and love... I'm Sorry.

Everyone gets the partner they deserve. There is no ability to manage your feelings, no sense of the value of your life-the girl gets a partner who treats her indifferently.

So that there is no indifference from the partner, so that there is a balance of respect and significance in the relationship, girls should remember:

Taking the initiative after a breakup is appropriate only if you are satisfied with everything in your relationship with a man! But you, at some point, did some girlish stupidity, did not cope with emotions...have nautili of the blue... And then-Yes, the girl should not rely on gender characteristics in relationships, but with her own hands to level the consequences of her own poor upbringing.

But not when you are not satisfied with many things, but with yourself you are even worse than with your "abuser".

When you are in your "busy life" – "and bored, and sad, and there is no one to give a hand", then, of course, the desire to have fun in such a wonderful relationship is understandable.

Dear girls, it is good and possible to take the initiative when you had and have a relationship, respect and attention, and not "just sex", in which you somehow brought and after which the man on duty received "I'll call". But something the young man hesitated with a call – "probably, some misfortune happened, it is necessary to help urgently.." Did not happen! Leave him alone! Better yet, block it!

It is not necessary for a woman to show "caring" initiative in a relationship with a man who regularly disappears without explanation! And then it appears with strange scratches. Here, if you need initiative, then to break. Pull yourself together and take this step! And without scandal. So that later you don't feel guilty for inappropriate behavior and the desire to justify yourself.

It is possible and necessary to show "caring" initiative if the person who always called when promised didn't call back; if the person who always came when promised didn't come.

And such an initiative, in any case, should not be in the form of claims and universal "gasps and experiences". It must be something in the spirit of: "Are you alive? Healthy? All right, I got it." Hang up.

If a person calls back himself with detailed explanations of his "loss", then you can listen carefully to what he will say, but do not rush to take to heart "all the horror stories that have fallen on him". Don't rush to be mother Teresa! You need to calmly take note of the information and calmly comprehend everything-how much it was an unforeseen force majeure that actually did not allow you to warn you in time, and not an incipient indifference.

Dear girls, if a woman has not yet been able to build a relationship in which she feels like a fish in water, and not like a sheep on thin ice – in these relationships, it is better to influence "inaction". Any initiative, especially if it is overly caring, will only be harmful.

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