Somehow I got a very curious comparison and for me a very working metaphor that I want to share: people who do not own their own emotions somehow remind me of people who do not know how to control their hands. That is, they live in a situation as if their hands did not obey their own masters.
It's not very comfortable for me to communicate with such people, it's not safe. Because you never know what to expect in the next moment from such "owners" and their hands: either they will stroke, or they will hit. And the owners themselves, after all, do not know where they will be overwhelmed in the next minute. That's the most remarkable thing! Approaching such people, we, as it were, are forced to get into a car without brakes. Hoping - suddenly it will pass, suddenly the brakes will not be needed. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
Therefore, I have trained and am training my own "emotional hands". And I always encourage my friends and acquaintances to do this.
And when, for example, they tell me that "emotions do not need to be controlled, because then they are insincere," for me it sounds like "hands do not need to be controlled, because then hands are insincere." Like, "let the hands do something spontaneously, only then they are alive." Hmm, I think you don't need to tie your hands. But a good owner who is friends with them has his hands working for him, and not vice versa.
All mothers know that young children at the age of 2-3 months do not know how to control their pens and do not realize them as part of themselves. And everything seems to be fine - the baby is fed, healthy, lying in his crib. And suddenly he starts crying desperately. And it was he who saw his pens and was afraid of them himself. In some families, a very cruel "grandmother's" way has still been preserved - to tie the child's hands, swaddle them tightly so that he does not get scared and does not cry, once again does not interfere.
When a child gets older, it is very interesting to observe how at one fine moment he begins to bring his hands to his eyes and carefully examine them, study them. And only then does the child begin to consciously control his hands. And then, at first, he does not always succeed.
If we adopt the metaphor "emotions are just another hand," then a person who does not own his emotions can be compared to an infant who is afraid of his own hands, because he does not realize that these are not some foreign objects that come from nowhere and it is unknown what to expect from them, but his own hands, which need and can be controlled. And such people, like children, need to first consider and study their emotional "handles", and then learn how to manage them.
People sometimes do not know where to put their hands when communicating. Many people have a mania: they need to do something with their hands, "they need to take their hands." With emotions, many have the same thing: it is necessary to "worry" about something (i.e., so that emotions are constantly "fingered"). Although sometimes caring about a business or about a person does not actually imply emotional fluttering. On the contrary, relaxation and calmness sometimes give a greater result in caring than twitchy anxiety.
Within the framework of our culture, it is possible to fight this, but not easy. Since childhood, the child is taught that in difficult situations it is necessary to "worry". Yes, and reflect the appropriate emotions on the face. If you are with a calm face in a situation where you are "supposed" to be nervous, tense and worried, you will be considered soulless, accused of indifference, and in general will be called a "stone idol". And to be internally calm, and to portray excitement on your face - well, this is generally a very difficult task.
Says one of my friends: "My friend, who, before telling a completely trifling news, begins with long introductions - "I'm going to tell you something now, just don't freak out, just don't be nervous, just don't get upset."" That is, a person expects in advance that a set of such negative emotions should be given out for any trifle. And interestingly, for all the time of our acquaintance, I have never experienced anything like this and have not shown it. And she keeps waiting for similar reactions from me. Here it is - the power of education.
Emotion management, I think, consists of managing external manifestations and owning internal experiences... These categories are interrelated, but different people may be disproportionately developed...
In my opinion, it is interesting to understand why a person began to learn to manage this whole set... After all, the goals can be very different... For example, a person can be motivated to improve the external manifestation of emotions (his acting skills) - both deeply selfish motives and motives of caring for others (for example, a person understands that a rude manifestation of his feelings can hurt others).
Strong, self-confident people probably don't need all this work on themselves - they already have a good life, well, unless, of course, they want to achieve much more than they already have...
But already the control of internal experiences is needed as insurance against mental shocks - and this is an important skill for everyone! This is a guarantee of the stability of the inner world, plus it is the primary source for external emotions and it is much better (more convenient) when the primary source itself works in the most environmentally friendly mode for both the owner and others!